We’re three good friends. We feel comfortable toguether. They are sweet and like me for who I am. We were sitting on the bench and the conversation started to warm up. That tension… We were too shy to make the first move so we only had a few kisses.
Thinking about this afternoon makes me feel weird. I really enjoyed it. I don’t know why, I feel kind of slutty. There is nothing wrong about it. It even made me feel better about myself. I’m confused…
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hi, how are you
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quiteabitch
I find it funny how when you’re happy, being in a relationship can be a threat for everything you’ve built, but when you’re a sad person… A good relationship feels like fucking salvation
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quiteabitch
I don’t want to leave. He makes me feel happy and worth it… He makes me feel like every single thing I do is special. He’s so sexy and he’s respectful and I don’t want to leave cause I’m very happy here, and I just feel like I’m wasting all this time and money and I am afraid as fuck that everything I’ve built with so much effort won’t be here anymore when I’m back.
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quiteabitch
Forget it, I think that he is all I’ve been looking for in a relationship. And yeah, maybe he’s not my dream guy, but that’s what loving someone is about, it is about accepting the other’s imperfections. And I’m willing to do it if just for a guy who shows me not all of them are the same.
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hi, how are you
Feeling violent. Feelig so full of energy. feeling powerfull and radiant. Feeling energy. Feeling like running. feeling like screaming. feeling bold. Feeling no respect. Feeling horny. Feeling like going out to run even thoug is a a quarter to eleven. Feeling like telling my mother and my neighbors to go fuck themselves. Feeling like drinking a glass of whisky. Feeling like smoking a joint. Feeling like writing. feeling like talking, feeling like sdrawing. Feeling like playing the piano. feeling like improvising feeling like showing off feeling like trying to hold up the ideas, the thougts everything rudshing rushing toofast for me tto hokld it. feeling like loosing and not givinaz a fuck. feelig anger. feeling the rage dominating me feelig, like hurting myself bad. feeling like dancing. feeling like calling someone. Feeling good. Feeling great. Fuck yeah…
i’m sooo fucked… Cheers to that! FUCK!
I should consider taking medication again…
FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUJUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU -
quiteabitch
He said since he left Germany he hated it here, but since he met me everything was better, and he hated the fact that I was leaving. I think that he is wiling to wait till I come back, but I am not sure I want a relationship with him. What is wrong with me?
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hi, how are you
He is in love with another boy. It seems to be going well. It vanished some time ago.
Today I thought it would be really nice to kiss him. But probably I’m just needy.
I’ve been thinking a lot about this one guy. But I’m too frightened. -
moongirl
I’m in my first relationship ever and it’s with a woman who is six years older than I am. Before me, she said she had one boyfriend a few years ago that only lasted for about a month. I’m growing to really love her, I’m happy with her… like something that was missing has been found… I don’t know… these feelings are confusing, but when we talk about how everything is going with our relationship and how we feel… I feel like everything will be okay as long as our communication remains strong. She’s just as confused and somewhat scared as I am, but we both comfort one another.
I just wish I could tell my extremely catholic mother about her, how she makes me feel…
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ScrewEverything
He goes on and on about his feelings,
and, damn, I just wanna get high.I was thinking today, that high is the perfect word to describe what we do.
We get on another level, Everything feels new and good, and free.
It stings, of course, and the slight nose bleed can’t be good, but its worth it.
You snort your lines, tip your head back and fucking relax.
With that relaxation, you float up to your new level.Its different for everyone, but I’d say mine is up there. When I’m high, thats who I wanna be.
When I take Molly, or snort my Oxys, I’m nice, I can talk. I turn into the person that shuns
the world at school, and I’m not sure why. I think its just my personality. If I can’t feel nice,
I can’t show nice. But to take a pill or a couple shots before my day, to me feels right.I don’t know whats wrong with me, I feel like in my mind I glamorize it,
But at the same time, it isn’t glamorized, because when I do it, its all that I want,
all that I make it out to be when I crave it. It isn’t made out to be great and then not
live up to expectations. Its always up to my expectations. I don’t even mind
the vomiting anymore. I guess it just shaves off a couple of pounds.Sometimes I don’t know who I am anymore. Will I like this person next year?
I feel like the using and abusing should make my answer be, ‘no.’
But my answer is yes, because Im happy, and its not like its taking over my life.
I still have all A’s. I got a 27 on the practice ACT, so when I apply myself,
I should get a 30 on the real one, and then next year I’ll graduate and have
a full ride through out college. I’ll get my degree in medicine and help people.I think if I end up helping people, I’ll never regret my own recklessness.
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hi, how are you
#120116 Today I had some spare time. I bought a pack of cigarettes. The sky was petrol blue. I sat on a bench in the square in front of my school. There is a statue of a soldier carrying a little boy, to honour the War heroes. I reminded of my uncles and their horrid war memories, blank and empty as if they were soaked up in lye.
There is another school facing the square. Both of them are unnecessarily equiped with the best tecnology and modern architecture. The walls are so white and blinding in the morning. Their environment is completely different.
The other school’s corridors, wich I attended two years ago look like a hospital, smell like a hospital.
It is the best high school in the country.
A teacher wants me to act a shitty play. I sat on the bench to read the script. Two girls and a boy from my old scool were arround, talking and laughing. I didn’t bother to greet them. Spoiled arrogant brats. I lighted a cigarrete, trying not to loose myself between the smoky dizziness and the frivolous characters and their strangely arranged dialogues. Someone calls my name… I look arround but no one looks back. My name is not that common… Again… Again… I ignore it.
Two boys approach me. I know them. One of them was talking to the girls. The other was a classmate in 6th grade. They ask me to sit next to me. I try really hard to focus on my reading, I treat them with as much indifference as I can. All I can do is to flip the pages nervously. They laugh. I am as cold and unpleasant as I can be. The two girls aproach us. I do not say a thing. They look at me as if I were mental and ask me if I remember them. I do not retribute their smile, just a nod. They keep laughing and smiling and apologising for the boys. They go away. I feel sick. I want another cigarrete but if I have another one I’ll throw up.
Do you know brain numbness, the feeling of being drenched up in lye?
A glimpse of what my life used to be. It is comforting to have something you can always count with.
At least boys look at me.-
quiteabitch
So I’ve read this many times, and it reminds me of me getting bullied in school, and reading the letters and trying to repeat what you just read to yourself… But you have no idea about what you’re reading, and truth is, all your focus is on what they say, but still you try your best to ignore them and show them you don’t care. I’ve read this many times too, because I love the way you write, I love how everything you put has some kind of complexity and beauty as simple as it is “I reminded of my uncles and their horrid war memories, blank and empty as if they were soaked up in lye.” So deep and beautiful in a raw way. You’re so damm idependant and wonderous and different, unique…. I honestly feel envy at times.
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hi, how are you
I’m sorry that you experienced being bullied. You are a fantastic person. You are sweet yet strong. I admire your ability to express your feelings. No one deserves that, especially people like you.
I feel really happy to know you appreciate the way I write
Thank you very much. Maybe That’s something I should value and develop. But I’m afraid to share it. I’m afraid of exceed the limits and be too provocative. I’m afraid of beeing misuderstood. But most of all, I’m afraid of not being appreciated and understood.
I’ve been procrastinating my own happiness. And I ended up fucking everything up with a person who could probably offer me all that.
A part of myself doesn’t want to be happy. I’m more creative when I’m blank. Thoughts flow through my head, strange, morbid and beautiful. Specially because they are efemerous and no one will ever sense them.-
quiteabitch
Amazing. Completley relatable.
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hi, how are you
I’ve been thinking about him.
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hi, how are you
My grandmother says I’m getting too thin. I should be worried. Instead I feel happier and happier.
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hi, how are you
We shall meet in the place where there is no darkness…
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quiteabitch
Today was the first time in my life since I entered puverty, in which I could go shopping for swimming suits and didn’t crithisize my body or even feel bad at all. It was the first time in which I could look at myself with it and then go home in complete satisfaction, without thinking about what the diet or the excersize would be to change myself. And I realize now, my body has been pretty much the same all these years. The problem wasn’t my body, the problem was the way I saw it.
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ScrewEverything
Just when I thought things might be falling into place, I realize that they’re really just falling apart. I honestly think I just wasn’t meant to have a good life. I don’t know what I’ll do if this ends.
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quiteabitch
Dont let “meant to be”s and destiny screw you. How many people thought that they were meant to have a happy life and were screwd up? Just as easy should you know you can have anything you want, no matter what “meant to be” is
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quiteabitch
Sometimes, I think that the problem of moving on about you is not just me. Its not just about me being weak, its not just about me being spoiled and only wanting you, its not just about me being anti-social and not having a life here(cause I do), its not about me being too dreamy or too fucking attatched.Or maybe it is! It is about all of that! But only partially! Somtimes, I think its your fault too. Somtimes, I know all the weight is on me. And that pisses me the fuck off!! I know, you are too physical. I know, you are too much! And I dont want it anymore! Maybe I crave for you! But I dont want it! I never asked for it or have tried to keep it lately! You just fucking appearing in my life! And if you dont! My mind takes care of it! So! Just! Just! Fuck offf! I dont want this shit anymore…. Because I know I don’t deserve it. Because I know I am worth so much more than just some sexy pot head with a fucked up past that is fucking me up too! I deserve so much more than being looked at as a fucking oobject and I deserve so much more than having my self esteem in you. I deserve so much more than the way you treat me. I deserve, a less sexy, but educated pothead, whom I´m getting a zippo lighter for, so he can light his cigaretes and everything he smokes anytime he wants. Cause from him, pot I do love in him. From you, you can just fuck off… Because you might be the sexiest, but biggest son of a bitch Ive ever met In all my fucking existance.
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hi, how are you
I need to sleep
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quiteabitch
Sometimes, I feel satisfied to hear my friends say their plans for life. Not because I feel proud or because they are good, but because to me they seem so conformist(conformistic?) and common, that I feel that whatever I do with mine, even if it drives me to starvation, will be amazing compared to theirs, even if they become some of the richest people in this city.
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ScrewEverything
We have this thing and it keeps growing. I almost feel its an obsession with Taboo in our sex life. It started with him spanking me and smacking my face. It then progressed to him choking me and (very)dirty talk. He wanted to fill me with his cum. I’m his whore, his slut. No one but his. Eventually we started messing with resistance, ‘No, Wyatt. I don’t think we should..’ He’d hold down my wrists. That turned into play-rape. I’d scream when he pushed in before I was wet, and he’d tell me that he loves to hurt me, he wants to see me cry. We messed around with bondage, he’d tie me to his bed and hit my ass with a leather belt. Then one day a knife got pulled out. He’d run it up and down my thigh, threatening me. He’d fuck me from behind, with it dragging on my neck, never quite breaking skin. The dirty talk progressed, ‘You’re my little whore aren’t you? You’re my dirty little girl.’ The key words there are: Little Girl. We’ve started to roleplay I’m a little girl, one he shouldn’t be with. ‘I’ve never had anyone touch my no-no spot before.’ It drives him wild. I like it as well, but I can’t help but wonder. What sort of sign is it that he likes this so much? Is it just a playing out of a fantasy like most guys wish they could, or should I be scared to have kids with him. I hate saying that. In my mind, I trust him with my life, and I know he would never hurt our baby, should we have one. But I was just wondering about it. I looked it up on google, and some people said its normal; others did not. I guess I’m just going to trust my judgement. I love him, and after all, I would never touch a child, yet I love it just as much as he does.
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LordOfFriends
I’m “mostly heterosexual”, but I have a fantasy of taking a pretty, feminine boy (I mean young man, not child), and turning him into a girl. I don’t mean a sex change, just dressing him as a girl at all times, giving him a girl’s name and calling him that at all times, treating him like a girl, and all the rest of it.
It’s mostly the thought of fucking him like he’s a girl, having him be a good little girl, etc. that excites me. But I also get excited thinking of being out and having people see him as my girlfriend and introducing him to people by his girls name, and them having no clue at all that it’s really a boy. I’m not bothered by people thinking I’m gay, I just like the idea of having a kinky little situation like that.
I’m much nicer in my actual love life, so I’m not totally bad. It’s just my sexy little fantasy.
quiteabitch, and 
hi, how are you 12:39 pm on January 18, 2012 Permalink | Log in to Reply
It may be a source of strenght and comfort. But it might destroy you. I wish I could give you than words. You deserve much more.