This summer;
I found a stable relationship.
I cut back on drinking.
I stopped smoking.
I stopped doing pills.
I stopped my self destruction.
And honestly, I don’t think I’ve ever been more discontent with myself.
I miss how everything used to be.
I suppose its just what I’ve always said, I just cant allow myself to be happy.
tomorrow’s the first day of term.
one more year of these vapid, fake, shallow creatures.
one more year of being laughed at for my decisions, my personal views, my whole entire life.
then i can go to uni and get rejected there as well.
So Ive got quite some reasons to be happy and others to be sad. I try to focus on the happy things.
My “best friend” suddenly will ignore me no matter how I try to be nice to her. I confronted her, she denyed she was ever ignoring me and then kept doing the same. Sometimes I wish we couldve seen the effects that her relationship with her now ex bf would bring, and dont get me wrong. Im not blaming it on her bf or their relationship, but I just wish we couldve looked at the mistakes wed both make and stop it frm happening. Since she got her bf and I started to be friends with him nothing was ever the same. I also youldve expected her to tell me whats wrong for her to be like that. It saddens me, but it also pisses me the fuck off and sometimes it makes me detest her.
My grades aren’t what I wouldve expected from myself. Nothing like that. Its a lot harder than I expected, but I try hard. Ill try harder.
It’s September. I hate September. I over react, but it makes me blue. It reminds me of his death and of pain to others as well as so much tradgedy. I know its just like many other months, nothing really different, all year is full of pain and tradgedies, but it saddens me. It just does. Im now happy, a completley different person than before, but there will always be that little part inside of me that grieves just a little bit.
Oh! And he cheated! Thats right! Son of a bitch! He was drunk and,…..He kissed another guy. Yupp. A guy, I dont give a damn that he kissed a guy! I mean, who am I to judge? Its even awsome that he likes to kiss guys too lol. But he thought that because he was drunk and because it was with a guy I wouldnt feel upset? He can fuck off. Then I can kiss as many girls I want even when Im in a relationship? That would be really really awsome, but its not the way it works, not for me at least.
On the other hand, Im happy =). Me and my life time friend have been really good =). I asked her to pass the 7th with me, since I prefer not being alone since its his aniversary. I want to feel a little distracted. She said ofcourse she would and not to worry cause Id be fine.
Today, I had a litle breakdown at school. Some people to whom I never even couldve crossed a word with last year tried to make sure I was fine. It deeply disturbed me, but I apreciated them trying to help & it does show that Ive been capable of building better relationships with those around me. Specially one of my best friends, who is always there and made me feel so much better. Shes always there no matter what. So yeah. Any feeling of loneliness I ever had before are long gone. I have the best friends ever.
I got this gigantic painting of The Beatles off clearance & hanged it on my room. I LOVE it!
Over this past weekend I went over to my cousin’s apartment, we hadn’t seen each other in a few weeks so we talked a lot. Sometime during my visit,while in tears, she mentioned our uncle… and how he had touched her when we were younger.
Then it hit me, I remembered a memory that I’ve kept repressed for so long. I too was touched by said uncle. There were two occasions I remembered he touched me, always over my clothes… one such has been engraved in my mind and now I can’t stop thinking about it.
He was throwing a party, I don’t recall who or why it was for. Being part of a Mexican family, nearly the whole family and close friends were there, and of course, beer was also present. I don’t remember how old I was… ten at the most though, but I was definitely a bit younger than that. A group of my cousins and I decided to play hide-and-seek in our uncle’s back yard. The yard was large and partly dark, he used to own a food truck and the truck blocked out a lot of the light coming in from the windows from inside the house. I decided to hide inside his food truck, and before I knew it he had followed me in there. He told me to quickly get to the back before the seeker reached zero, and being young and competitive, I agreed and went to the back. He squatted on the floor, his boots making a lot of noise, he put me in front of him and shushed me. I could smell the mixture of beer and cologne on him, it was obvious he was drunk… or at the very least buzzing. I then felt his hands rubbing against my chest, he lightly tried to grab whatever I had developed then, then right hand went down to my stomach and it kept going lower. I felt my face get hot and tears formed in my eyes. I was scared, but I didn’t make any noise… at that time I thought I would get in trouble if I made any noise. After what seemed like minutes passed we heard someone scream and laugh, the seeker had caught someone. My uncle then casually got up and left thre truck as if nothing happened… and went back to join the party.
That explains why I always try to have the least possible contact with that uncle. I never understood why I always wanted to remain at a distance from him, the most I ever do is shake his hand so I won’t come off as rude.
I didn’t tell my cousin what I remembered… I don’t know if I should. Maybe I should just keep it to myself?
I don’t know how I feel about this, how to react.
tell your cousin the main problem with this type of thing is that no one ever tells anyone tell you cousin at least then you both have someone to talk things over with and imho tell the rest of your family too
I agree with adeafmute. Especially with telling your family. Hes a sick pervert.
I have been thinking about telling her… maybe when I see her again this weekend over lunch. But I’ll tell her when I know we’ll be left alone. I… I don’t know what will go down.
Dunno about telling the whole family yet. I’ll see what happens within these next few days. But now I’m even more repulsed to be near him.
your going to have to tell them think of all the others he could do that or worse to!
I’ve been feeling very inadequate and emotional lately. This past month has been… different. When school started and I met Jayson, I just… I felt I wasn’t good enough. He was smart. I feel like I’m too stupid, and I should be more intelligent. Before school started it was my looks. I was emotional over my looks, thinking how I’m so ugly. I cried at songs like “Just The Way You Are” (the one by Bruno Mars and the other one by Billy Joel). Now it’s my intelligence. Actually, both, I suppose. I should be smarter, prettier, work harder, I’m not good enough.
What the hell happened to me?! Last month if someone asked me if I liked myself I would’ve said yes. I thought I was a decent person, confident enough. I really did like myself.
But now? I can’t really say that. I don’t hate myself, but I don’t like myself either. What the hell? Seriously. I think about this at night, and sometimes I would just cry. I feel so fucking weak, crying so much this past month. Never in front of someone, of course. But when I’m sitting in bed at night, thinking about this, and silently shedding tears. Usually it lasts for two seconds and I look normal afterward. But still. I feel so weak, I should be stronger than this.
These insecurities… I thought I buried them in the past. I’ve always been insecure about my looks, but I thought I was decently intelligent, enough to get by. I gained confidence with time. But I suppose I didn’t bury those deep enough, because he they are, after years.
And also, Jayson asked me to be his girlfriend. I said let’s get to know each other, start out as friends at take it slow. He agreed.
So yeah, I might like him, or grow to really like him as time goes on. Crap. Liking him while feeling inadequate? Fan-fucking-tastic. I’ve never been in this situation before…
My life has never been so interesting.
Fuck this. Guess I’m being whiny.
Nope. NOt whiny at all. YOure just human.
so we had planed a trip to a place i wont mention but had to cancel because her aunt broke her leg we are at her aunts taking care of her untill her uncle can get back from a business trip
she didnt tell her husband what happened so we are expecting worried faces and loud arguements lol
im glad! not glad her aunts hurt but that i dont have to go there anymore the idea freaks me out
again id rather not mention where because it gives me goosebumps
Yeah that place sound freakish lol… Well you sir are a lucky man =) And you also Rock, just in case I hadnt mentined it before =P
lol why do i rock??
I Am
I am strong and delicate,
I wonder if he whispers lullabies through the wind in angel
language telling me to stop crying,
I hear the symphony of kind and genuine words,
I see with my eyes, but look with my heart,
I want to go back in this sad story and leave a happy
ending to the last part,
I am strong and delicate.
I pretend that roses don’t have spines and that clouds don’t cry,
I feel soft & rough hands leave marks in my hearts insides.
I touch grieve with silk mittens,
I worry my life will come out exactly the way I plan,
I cry to the slightest touch of death
I am strong and delicate.
I understand that there are few things that simply arent meant to let go,
I say I need a hug,
I dream I’ll be strong enough to show my real self one day,
I try to be mysterious like fog,
I hope day the world will know the true meaning of tolerance
so we can stop the threats,
I am strong and delicate.
I wrote this for English class last week. It took me hours, I feel so much conflict with what I am and what Im not. I feel so much conflict with trying to be deeply genuine when I write for teachers that are most probably homofobic, when my sexuality is such a big part of me. It sickens me.
im glad your comfortable with yourself
now you need to get comfortable with others not being comfortable with you lol
lol yeah thats the hardest part.
lol never said it was going to be easy
Sighhh.
Long day?… night?
Long life.
Long life in general.
So there’s this juice in the fridge, I specifically asked my roommate to buy it for me since it was cranberry and grape. I like both of those juices so I thought why not buy the mixture of both? I mean, it should taste good… right?
WRONG.
That shit is nasty.
So everyday while no one is watching I pour a little bit of the juice down the drain. I really feel guilty about it though. But it’s the only thing I though about at the time. No one else is going to drink it since they don’t drink juice that often.
Cranberry-grape juice? Odd.
Not just odd, it’s gross. Well, In my opinion anyways… it always leaves this gross aftertaste. This company called Ocean Spray makes it.
so yeah my gf wont talk to her ex. thats right wont and im angry about it! this is the same guy that not to long ago i was worried would take her from me and now i want her to spend more time talking to him
idk she just doesnt seem herself without it. shes gone without talking to him before but she always new she Could talk to him if she needed
stubborn woman!
she wants me to fly back to paris to visit some places with her but from what shes talking about she seems to want him there more. not that hed go even if they where talking.
shes started telling me things “carry a small thing of deoderant and aim for the eyes” things he told her to do it makes me feel
1 like a defenceless child
2 scared that she thinks something might happen
im afraid i’ll loose her or she’ll get hurt. i hoestly feel her ex could protect her
hes fat,he ugly,his eyes burn with something i dont know what it is hate,pain,passion or rage hes both soft and hard he calculates and plans way too much but he can take care of himself and others the USMC have a saying “improvise adapt and overcome” he lives by that he can react to a situation quickly or he can sit and wait
the other day he asked me a Q for a friend and while we where talking i asked him “how is it you can do that stuff i mean lets face it you dont look like the type” he replied “hey we cant all look like scarface 
. the answer is simple mate careing”
“you mean caring mate but i dont understand”
“thanks for the english lesson. what i mean is you need to not care if you live or die and care for te others life more then yours otherwise you’ll flinch. you need both those things not just one. its how mothers will jump to take a bullet for their child but not their husband. they dont care about their own life if their child is in danger”
“i hate your metaphores man”
“that was a simile”
“ohh now hows teaching english”
“yeah biatch i got a B. lmao dude you better go S will be pissed that you spent her credit like this. Brother love her with all your heart and she wont care”
“wont care about what??”
he never texted back and i think i have a man crush lol im sry if that bored youse or anything but fuck it i need to get it off my chest i cant even say his name without her getting angry or upset atm
ohh and ive been banned from sex because i spoke to him! but i had to it was for someone very dear to us both..
anyway i needed that im lost without this place sometimes
Shit Jack!!! IM so sorry!! Shit I didnt know that she was that mad at him…. Hes told me not even her parents are talking to him. Poor S and her ex, they both hurt so much about their lost friend…. I wish I could take the pain for him. Its incredible how that kind of pain consumes us.
I guess all you can do is wait, I dont think she could last long without him. They are like brother and sister. I wouldnt worry too much if I was you.
Anhow…..I AM SOOOOOOOO SORRRY!!!! Shit!! Im really sorry you got banned for sex if it was my fault!! Fuck!! Im sorry! Next time Ill just ask you directly through here, and, again, Im really really really reallyy sorry!
miss please dont worry everythings fine between her and i we have sorted it out shes been taking her anger out on me and i explained that and shes stopped it wasnt your fault its something you needed to know then and there and i dont regret a second of it you mean too much to us for either of us to care about something as small as that (us meaning him and i)
Awwwww!! You mean a lot to me too =) You and him really give me hope on men in Earth =)=) Im really glad that you guys have sorted it out =)=))=)=)=)=)=) I can see shes very mature and isnt the proud & bitchy kind =) Btw, my somewhat bf has been showing me he eloves me and caring for me a lot lately, I know it wasnt right to ask, but he doesnt seem disturbed by the fact that I said no.
well i am sry to say i still do not trust this “somewhat” bf butt its none of my business
lol she can be proud and bitchy if she wants
shes still not talking to him
Shit!! I never thought it would take this long for her to forgive him…
And its alright its your buisness all you want lol.
yes well she can be so stubborn at times
Today, I am happy.
today i feel like smashing something lol
I am sorry.
dont be you didnt cause it but you gave me a moment to stop ands think and stop myself from putting a hole thru the plaster board
My life is crashing down around me.
I knew this would happen.
I let my happiness build up so much and so high, that I forgot to make sure things were sturdy,
and now its all falling like old crumbling bricks that I can do nothing about but sit off to the side and watch it all go to ruins.
My boyfriend who is one of the seldom people/things in my life that bring me real joy has two options;
Turn him self in and face 90 days or if we’re lucky community service,
Or move an hour or so away to work to earn money to pay off his warrants and only see me every once in a while when hes lucky enough to get a ride into town. :/
My grandmother who I was never really fond of is dying, and I find myself incredibly saddened by it.
I am so close to cutting.
I am being forced to give up drinking and pills.
I know it doesnt seem like much when I have it all typed out, but in my reality-
It all feels so much worse.
I don’t know what I will do without him, he is my everything.
I know Im only 15, but I plan on spending the rest of my life with this guy.
I know so many of you will doubt me, but just watch and see,
Im saying it now, Im going to marry him.
Hey, please do not cut…… I know its hard, youre going through something thats hard, but soon things will get better. First of all, know that your relationship is based on feelings, and if he can see you once in a while, I think itll be fine by the way you tell us you feel about him. I think he should do the 90 days of community service….. I mean hell still see you, hell help community and he wont have to work far away. About your grandma… I know I am not the example, but death is part of life, and we have to be strong. Now that you realize whats happening, you should show your grandma you love her and cherish every moment with her and LIVE it. Dont waste the little time you have laft with her worrying. Just go and live, or youll regret it.
YOu know youll marry him? THATS EXPLENDID!! =) I love the way you have such confidence on it and dont care about what otehrs say about this idea. YOu seem to really love him. Hold on to him =)
imho give up the pills and drink LESS having a drink every now and again dont hurt
if your planing on marring him 90days without him wont hurt your relationship but it will go on his record and thats for life maybe it would be better for him to move for a while and you can always go to him
losing a family member is allways saddening even if you hate them
i have found thru this site that age is pretty irrelivant when it comes to lifes major influances love and depression
if you think your going to be with him for the rest of your life FUCKING AWESOME but remember when faced with these situations that you will have the rest of your life with him only fear time apart if you fear the relationship wont last
I sort of get the kicks out of looking up all of my bf’s ex-girlfriend on the web. I really feel like such a weirdo. I spend hours looking at photos and trying to compare myself with them. I think I’m the ugliest gf he’s ever had, though some of the girls are really ugly (some look like freaking models). I’m more concerned about his old affairs than about what (or who) could he possibly be doing right at this moment. What’s wrong with me?
WOW, i forgot how good it felt to just let it all out on grouphug!
So…. I went to the airport with you just to drop you there and spend at least one more hour beside you. We went for a walk and sat on a sidewalk. It was the last time wed have in private together. So you sat and I layed my head on your lap and you kissed me and we were talking. Then you tell me youre gonna ask me something rather awkward, when I tell you to go ahead you asked me if I would have sex with you. Surprisingly I was very calm about it though my best friends think I shouldve slapped you. I just told you that maybe when I was ready for it and then forgot about it. Afterwards you embraced me for what felt for seconds even though about 15 mins passed by with me wrapped in your arms.
Weve shared so many things, you are like my real person, and I know youre not a virgin. I kknow sex may be really normal for you right now, but I honestly dont feel ready for it. Neither do I want to wake up the next day and regret it and feel like shit for it. Im 14 ffs! I dont wanna loose it at 14! I wanna see mroe before it. I dont just wanna do it with the first guy who offers it just because yeah.
The fact that you asked for it and didnt even plan on letting it happen by itself makes me doubt you. The fact that we have known eachother for 7 months and weve literally been physically together for 8 days and that those are almost the only times you recognized me as your lover makes me think you just want me physically. Sometimes I think you just want me for sex, though you are not too physical yourself unlike the people who I used to hang out with when I was a slut. So well see. WOuld you be patient enough to wait for it? Will you get lost now that we are appart?
Its clear that to you I’m fuckable, now show me that I’m lovable.
you are loveable and maybe i have been wrong about this guy 8DAYS!
8 days yeah. Tho now that I think about it weve kinda been together for about 2 or 3 months. But stil… It sucks.
yeah but you also say he doesnt recognize you unless your together sooo then youve only been together for 8 days cos they are the only times youve both been in the rship
I lost my virginity at 14.
I dont mean to say its wrong to loose it at that age, I just feel that Im not ready yet. I dont think Ill be at 14. Thats to everyone, psycologically many people have differences-.
All I want is someone to love me….
I completley understand the feeling. Youll get what you want though, its just a matter of time =)
my gf’s ex has a saying “if you want someone to love you either love yourself or have a kid” they are the only two loves he truely beleives in
They will turn up, you just have to be patient - though sometimes you have to be really, really patient.
Having Sex on my period was one of the most pleasurable experiences of my life.
I know Ive written about it so many times, but to know that youre leaving breaks my heart. Its so hard not to be annoying and call you in between classes when Im dying to hear your voice at the very least. But instead I call you like once a week if too much. I wanna meet your friends and live there and have a good relationship with them and just be part of you. I know that tomorrow night Ill have to sit and tell myself out loud “Its over” and deal with it. It sucks.
yes it does i wish you noting but happiness
ok so it turns out that the guy ive been accusing my gf of cheating on me with has been dead since 1418!!!!!!!!! fucking big mistake there!!!! and now cos her ex told me about it and explained she refuses to speak to him because apparently they swore to their dead friend not to tell anyone! he broke a promise to the dead love of his life just to save our relationship and hes being punished for it! now i feel really guilty. i also feel like huging him no matter how gay that seems
Hes that kind of person. Extremly valuable, yet hes the person who selfloathes himself the most that Ive ever met. So selfless and caring. So philosofical and bohemian. So amazing. I know, I wanna hug him too.
I think its alright, you learn to trust eachother little by little. She shouldve trusted you by telling you where she was going, and you shouldve trusted her by not questioning a simple trip she needed to do herself. I think this will make your relationship stronger, it kindof prooved that you can trust eachother =).
i think your right i think it was kind of like a relationship test
When you apologized for having a seizure in front of me due to your accidental overuse of muscle relaxers, I told you I didn’t blame you, that it was alright.
It was a lie. I did blame you, and I think a small part of me always will.
I think that seeing you, my step-mother, having a seizure was worse than the day I woke up to find that my biological mother had died. That traumatized me, but it doesn’t give me flashbacks like the incident with you does. They’ve gotten better, but I still can’t see or hear an ambulance without seeing it again. Sometimes I force myself to relive it to remember to value you, life, and not having to go through it again.
That was the worse fucking day of my life.
Then you got mad at me days later because when I had tried to use the home phone to call 911, it didn’t work. I just got the dial tone. I tried a few times, nothing worked. I still don’t know to this day whether I was too shaken up to use it properly or if it was just not working, but I’m almost completely sure it was the latter because back then the phone company we had wasn’t really reliable. Either way, I had to run to my room to get my cell phone. When I told you about this, you got mad for some reason. Would you rather I hadn’t called? Would you rather I had done nothing, not yelled for dad, just sat there?
Not to mention I only broke down AFTER the call. I kept it together the whole time. My voice was shaky and my entire body was trembling, I was absolutely terrified, but I only broke down and cried (and damn, did I cry) after the ambulance arrived and I was able to hang up the phone. You were lying on the floor, staring around like a scared animal, looking at your family like you’d never seen us in your entire life. That’s what made me break down.
I yelled for dad, called 911, kept it together, didn’t freak out, all for you. Don’t you dare get fucking mad at me because the piece of crap phone wasn’t working.
Your carelessness with your pills has fucked me up for life, but it’s just one more thing to add to the list.
sounds to me like you saved her life and she wasnt angry at you but angry at herself for putting herself in that position thru shear stupidity
sounds a little selfish to me
to me it sounds like you did exactly what you where ment to do what we are all told by parents and governments to do
You did the right thing so stop beating yourself up about it
I honestly dont know what to say to this, other than I admire your strength and that nothing’s your fault. I agree with adeafmute, I think shes just angry at herself and you did what any other person would do.
This makes me wonder if I could hold myself together if something ever happened to my mother. I hope if something does ever happen, I can react like you did.
Hey Jack? I am deeply sorry. Stay Strong. *Hugs*
you have nothing to be sorry for miss theres fighting in all relationships i just wish shed be straight with me
she will be soon but i dont understand why she cant just tell me now
When she tells yu youll understand.
adeafmute 12:10 pm on September 1, 2010 Permalink | Log in to Reply
im happy for you bout your friends
fuck him he doesnt know what hes lost to kiss some guy and ffs being drunk is not an excuse
you’ll make it through this month and the same next year and so on because you are strong!
ScrewEverything 6:23 pm on September 1, 2010 Permalink | Log in to Reply
I hate September as well.