Not good enough
I love him. I love him very much. It’s hard to love him this much and to know that he doesn’t love as much in return. I want so badly to be close to him, but I know that he doesn’t have any such dedication to be close to me.
I feel like a toy. Worse, I feel like a whore. But, you know, I’ll be his whore and I’ll do it gladly if it means that he’ll be closer to me.
I don’t know what to do do be good enough for him to keep. All I can do is be myself and hope that’s good enough. When he tells me that something’s wrong, I’ll do my best to change it to please him, but I make so many mistakes. I’m scared that he’s keeping track so that, at the end of the year, he’ll be able to compare my vices to my virtues and see if I’m worth keeping.
I just wish I knew what my vices were so that I could kill them for him. I don’t know if this is what he wants from me, though. Is it disturbing that I want to excise all of the parts of myself that get in the way of us? Is it scary that I want to sacrifice them all on the altar of his love? I’m sure it is. I’m sure that I’m terrifying, but I just feels o powerless.
I don’t want him to be with me out of pity. I want him to be with me because he wants me. I just want him to want that so much.
I don’t tell him these things. I hate for him to worry, to stress. Anyway, I don’t think it’d help. If anything, I’m sure it’d hurt. I’m sure I’m crazy. I just don’t understand why he has to be so rational about everything. I wish I knew what more reasons to be with me he needed than the sex, the fucking fantastic conversation, the laughter, and my devotion. He tells me he loves me. He hasn’t done it in maybe two weeks, but he does do it. Has done it.
Why isn’t that enough? I just want to be with him. I just want us to endure.
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quiteabitch 7:20 am on December 5, 2009 Permalink | Log in to Reply
I think the problem here is that you are extremely insecure. I can see you love him, and if has told you he loves you and you know he means it then he must love you just how you are. If you cant seem to find those vices and he hasnt told you about them, then they aren’t something serious or extremly bad, If he loves you he LOVES you for how you are, what you do, the way you do thigs. Yes, you may feel he doesnt love you as much as you love him, but youll see with the time if you try to get that self-esteem and confidence up hell start loving you as much as you love him. I say be yourself and love it. You know he loves you, so there is nothing worng with you except insecurity. So go ahead and know your perfect in his eyes! You DO deserve him. I see you love him, and when you love someone who loves you back, there is no better thing in return than that. Good luck =)