Today I felt different.
I just took an STD panel for the first time and I’m scared. I’m 22 and I am terrified that I’ll test positive for something…
After my long-time boyfriend broke up with me in April, I was devastated.
I loved him. So. Much. I began sleeping around in an attempt to gain some traction as my life slid down the drain. I cried. A lot.
I started counting. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7. To some, that may not seem like a lot…but, before I had only slept with one other man. What happened? Seven men in ten months. The number, however, is not what is bothersome. However, the fact that I slept with several of them without protection, is. How could I be so stupid? How could I compromise myself in such a fundamental way?
Eventually the sadness was gone. I stopped crying. The sadness became apathy. The apathy became coupled with bitterness. I thought about suicide. I kept sleeping around.
Every day I struggled. School, work, drink, sleep, school, work, drink, sleep. I spiraled into alcoholism. I didn’t care. I slept with my best friend while he was dating someone else. I didn’t care.
I. Just. Didn’t. Care.
But, recently, I have to admit, I felt something…
A guy I met recently asked me out. We went out on a real date. Dinner, holding hands, everything. A real date. At the end of it we kissed, that was it. No sex. It was refreshing. But, it was also incredibly frightening. He asked me out again. He made dinner, we watched a movie. No sex. Date three, snowed in weekend – we did it. Sex, I mean. It was fantastic.
…Afterwards, he suggested that we get tested. Together. Smiling the slow lazy smile of a woman basking in the afterglow I agreed. But, inside I felt cold reality seeping through the cracks.
What else could I do? Run? No.
I realized as much as holding hands and going on real dates makes me neurotic/anxious/paranoid – I like it. Regardless of how it ends, or, even if it doesn’t. It is good.
So, I went. I got the tests. Regardless of how they turn out, I’ll know. I can stop running from my mistakes and face my them head on.
I get the results this week…Wish me luck.
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whatsleftofme 4:24 pm on February 2, 2010 Permalink | Log in to Reply
goodluck! It really sounds like you are taking a turn for the better.
mojonano 4:26 pm on February 2, 2010 Permalink | Log in to Reply
Good luck. I probably need to be tested, too.
Cavalary 7:24 pm on February 2, 2010 Permalink | Log in to Reply
Good luck. Maybe you’ll get back on a good path… And hopefully he’ll stay with you on it.
badgirlblondie 6:29 am on February 3, 2010 Permalink | Log in to Reply
I think you’re brave for facing something you’re so afraid of. And also that you’re strong, because not only are you empowering yourself after being through such a difficult ordeal, you’re learning, growing, allowing someone into your life because they make you happy through the positive qualities they bring to your relationship. For better or worse, you’re learning a valuable lesson, finding joy, and moving on. All these things are the start or something very very good. You should be proud of yourself, and best, best, best of luck. I hope it all turns out okay.