It’s been 6 months since I first posted…

It’s been 6 months since I first posted here. It’s been a hell of a year, but life has stabilized.

But I’ve got a new problem. It dawned on me that I’ll be all alone on my birthday this year. I’ve got no friends and my family mostly doesn’t want anything to do with me. I guess it’s been about a year since I’ve gotten a hug from my kid sister, or anyone for that matter.

I’m not sure when it happened, but I can barely interact with people anymore. I’ve always been a little on the shy side, but nothing like this. When someone else starts a conversation, I can spit out a couple of words at best, maybe, but I can’t bring myself to really get to know anyone. I don’t know why. Some connection has been severed.

But I dream about it. I see people and imagine myself taking to them. It’s even worse with the girls. I see a cute one and think about what a wonderful person she must be, and how happy I might be with her. There have been too many “what ifs” to count. I’ve never had much luck with women, I suppose, but it never really bothered me like this until now.

I’d love to be loved, but I can’t put myself out there. I just want someone to hold and hug and cuddle. I really miss feeling someone else’s warmth.

I’m in one of the most populated cities in the world, but I’ve never felt so lonely.

But I’m not enough an egotistical bastard to think I’m the only one who feels this way. There’s got to be
hundreds of people here like me, right? Maybe I’ll find them. Maybe we can be alone, together. Maybe you feel this way. Maybe it doesn’t matter, and it’s just a phase.

I don’t know what to do with myself yet, but I CANNOT and WILL NOT stay this way.

Happy birthday, me.

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