I want to kill myself. I have wanted to …
I want to kill myself. I have wanted to kill myself for as long as I could remember. I attempted suicide when I was 17 and my mother came in to talk to me about God and how if you do bad things doesn’t mean you’re a bad person and that God always forgives, then I made myself throw up.
I just felt so guilty. I feel so guilty. I feel like I have lost the will to live. I hate college, I was smart, school used to be easy for me. And now I can’t stand it, I can’t seem to get myself motivated. I don’t know what I want to do because I don’t want to be here.
But living, it is interesting, sometimes the simple things seem worthwhile. But still at the end of the day, I just don’t want to exsist anymore. Everything seems so boring.
I numb myself with drugs and alchol and feel like it is isolating me from everyone.
And the thing is, I would kill myself. I just can’t. I love my family and I think it would really break their hearts if I did it. I love them so much and its just difficult because I do hurt them, my selfdestructive behavior it affects them. And I feel like such an asshole for being how I am.
The worst part is everyone thinks I am fine. I think there has always been something wrong with me, inside, I just don’t know what it is. Yes I can be on antidepressants but I really am not sure if thats it. I don’t know what to do. I wish I never exsisted.
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yellowroses 3:10 am on April 12, 2010 Permalink | Log in to Reply
maybe you need to talk to someone, like a therapist. it’s horrible letting people know you go to therapy, but maybe that’s the best for your safety. it’s good that you love your family, hold on to that.