Times like this I wish you were still in my life. My state, my town, my part of the country. I know I was an idiot and drove you away. I was too clingy, too emotional, too desperate. I had expectations of you that weren’t realistic. I told you way too much. I want to find some way to apologize to you, in a way that won’t make me seem more pathetic to you, but I have no idea how. I tried getting back in contact with you a month or so ago, and you made sure the conversation died as quickly as possible. I don’t blame you. I can’t. There’s a line in a song that makes me think of you all the time. “I wish that you were here with me to pass the full week-end”. Piazza, New York Catcher. I don’t know why, it’s not like we ever shared that song. Days with you were just brighter. I’ll never forget the night we were walking down Main St. singing “All I Want is You”. I suppose in even writing this I’m just proving the fact that I’m probably not over you. I would probably make the same stupid mistakes I made before with you. I just want you to somehow know I hope you’re living the life you want in DC. Part of me hopes you still give a thought to me every now and then. Most of me doesn’t blame you if you don’t.
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Proletariat
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Proletariat
I’m finally starting to take responsibility for my life and how bad I’ve fucked it up so far. Fixing it all will take some time, but for once, I’m cautiously optimistic.
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quiteabitch
I like this =) Good luck
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Proletariat
Thanks, Quite. BTW, Where are you off to for a year?
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quiteabitch
Either Canada or New Zeland =)
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Proletariat
Nice. My dream is either Ireland or Iceland.
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quiteabitch
Lol. My life dreams are either England or USA, but Canada and New Zeland are the countries where the best exchange programs for students like me are lol =)
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Proletariat
I will never find love.
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Confessor
I will always love you.
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purpletears
you are not alone either will i
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Proletariat
I had a dream last night that a doctor gave me 5 years max to live. You think I would have been devastated, but I had never felt so alive and relieved.
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whatupawesome
i secretly hope the same thing.
don’t worry, just live like you only have 5 years.-
Proletariat
The strange thing is that’s the second dream in two weeks about my own death. The first one was much less pleasant.
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xFershox
I sometimes think about my own death and wonder if people would miss me and I get depressed.
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tusks
Oh, man, I can relate so much to that feeling. Imagine you had a deadline? How important that would make things feel?
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Proletariat
I’m not gay. (yes I probably am)
I don’t believe in gay marriage. (Listening to Family Tree by TV on the Radio makes me imagine me and another man getting married)
I’m a Christian. (I have so much doubt.)
I’m a good person. (I’ve gotten joy out of causing people pain.)
I’m a good friend. (I’ve dropped people like a bad habit.)
I’m happy. (I could crawl inside a bottle until I die.)
I love life. (I WILL go quietly into that good night. Most of the time I WANT to.)
I’m independent. (I desperately want someone to be by my side.)
I don’t believe in love. (Sometimes I overflow with it for someone. Never have I gotten that back.)
I don’t care about sex. (I’ve been desperate for another in my bed for so long.)I just want to truly be a good person and to be okay with myself.
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joei
You sound damn good to me.
Accept yourself as you are, and work at changing 1 thing at a time about yourself that you don’t like, do it slow but steady.
Accept whatever limits you find in yourself, live with the ones you can’t change.
If someone need a hand or even a good word, give it, especially if anyone you know is ignored or generally treated like an a-hole by everybody else. You don’t have to be friends if they’re hard to take (friends are your choice, of course) but even a casual acquaintance can mean so much to someone everyone puts down. and maybe you’ll find all sorts of good qualities everyone else missed in them.
Go to bed at night knowing that wiht whatever mistakes you might have made,you tried your best, and tomorrow you’ll have a chance to try again.
That’s what does it
Clap on the back to you- keep well -
alovelydisorder
Your fake me sounds a little bit like my fake me.
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RedTulips
Don’t be good. Just be yourself. I myself have learned that you will never be pleased with who you are. No matter how good you try to be, you will have bad thoughts and want to do bad things. Now you gotta decide… which is more “good”? Is it more good to try to say and do all the things that others expect and to pretend to be someone you are not… or is it more good to be truly you?
Does being a Christian mean that you stop being yourself? Does it mean that you push away all the bad thoughts? Does it mean hiding who you truly are and not saying the things that you really want to say?
Or does being a Christian mean that you are free to be who you truly are? The definition of being a Christian is that you believe that Jesus took the punishment for all your sins and iniquities for you, at the cross. If you truly believe that, then you won’t be condemned for the bad things you do now or even in the future. If someone else has already taken the punishment and judgment for all your wrongdoings then you do not have to be afraid.
Is there a such thing as gay Christians? Yes there is. Just as much so as there is such a thing as lying Christians, and Christians that steal. Being a Christian does not mean that you don’t do wrong. Being a Christian means that you are forgiven of doing wrong.
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ExxNyvalia
Just be you, and work it out along the way. Don’t ever think about your actions, just believe in the consequences and accept them.
It worked for me. -
Charlotte
“I’ve come to know that what we want in life is the greatest indication of who we really are.” -Richard Paul Evans. I think I understand how you feel. Thanks for posting.
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dreamer
it’s a seemingly lonely road but you arent alone dude. your confession is sublime.
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Proletariat 6:10 pm on May 4, 2010 Permalink | Log in to Reply
*dull week-end.