I’m not going to pursue technology or healthcare for my career.
I have passion for learning about languages and culture, so that is my aspiration - to become an interpreter.
I wish you would understand. I wish you weren’t so asian!! GAH!
Actually, I wish I could actually address this to you instead of saying it here. :/
Tagged: frustration RSS
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Quiet Riot
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carbonlifeform
That guy that i thought was so absolutely perfect for me… the one that seemed to be everything I wanted… we’re over. We did the long distance thing for almost 2 months before it ended, and everything he promised me wouldn’t happen, did. He told me he would do EVERYTHING in his power to make sure it worked between us and that the distance wouldn’t change a thing. After telling him I didn’t think it was a good idea for us to continue on, he BEGGED me to stick it out. To “trust him on this one.” Well, apparently going to school for 4 hours, 5 days a week takes up so much of your time that a ten minute phone call and a couple of texts are “too demanding.” I gave him everything, did everything for him. Often with very little thanks or appreciation. I held out in the hopes that things would go back to the way they were in the beginning. Hell,I didn’t even want to come back from my sabbatical in Florida because facing this place without him here just didn’t make any sense to me. “If you don’t come back, my life is over. That’s all I’m going to say.” Since when did I become that idiot girl that let a boy determine her life decisions? He told me “why can’t you just be quiet for the sake of keeping things pleasant?” afteI came to him with a concern. i should have known then that this 20 year old kid was too immature to handle an adult relationship. Granted, I’m only 23 but it’s obvious our life experiences and maturity levels are on completely different plains. And yet, knowing that I’m SO much better off without this guy, I love him more than anything and i find it impossible to focus on anything else. We broke up over text message. He refused to call me. Refused to speak in person. I went to his house 2 days ago to pick up something of mine. He handed it to me and walked back inside. He called me 15 minutes later “I’m really sorry I just walked away. I didn’t know who was in the car with you and it was awkward. Anyway, it was good seeing you.” I blew him off. The next day, an email “Hey, i just wanted to see how you’re doing. Hope all is well.” Honestly, I know he still loves me. Just days prior he had told me I was everything he ever wanted. And yet talking to me is too much of a hassle? When he told me that, i knew that was it. I broke it off, and when he agreed I was in shock. I gave this guy EVERYTHING and asked for so little and he couldn’t even give me that. “I just have too much going on.” What’s funny, sir, is I’ve spoken with your roommates and seen your twitter (not to mention I KNOW you) and all you’ve been doing is going to school and playing WoW. He came down to see me for Valentine’s Day and i had to BEG him to get off of WoW. What’s funny is ever since he started playing our relationship has gone tragically downhill. Why am I still pining for this immature little boy when I know I have every opportunity to find a man that would be more than happy to give me more than I deserve without the slightest complaint? Honestly, i don’t even want him back. I just want him to realize his mistake and want me back so I can walk away.
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misanthropic
Of all the things I am afraid of, I am most afraid of failing.
I was raised as an achiever; my parents pushed me to be the best - there were no doors that would not open for me, were I to pull them.
They instilled in me a constant need to best myself until in an inertial manner I have surpassed all others in whatever mattered to me most.I thought, as a child, that this would be enough. Yet, as I grew up, I discovered that there were always others considerably better than myself at what I did; I found out that not all doors are open, and that not all people will like me for striving to make constant progress.
Society has abandoned me, and I have gradually abandoned it in response.
“I don’t need them!”, I said to myself. “They’re just fools!”, I exclaimed.
I decided that all my creations; all my endeavors would be oriented towards impressing intellectuals, regardless of their chosen areas of interest.I had an egotistical wish to spark within one’s mind the bright shimmer of inspiration that had been cast in mine by many others; to leave behind something grand enough that I would stand out, even in this age of animosity.
But then, the problem. I cannot impress neither society, nor its intellectuals; and worst of all, I cannot impress even myself.
I’ve spent countless hours perfecting my works, I’ve many times lost sleep. I thought, as I was making them, that I would finally create a masterpiece; alas, I created only works which were below average.
I wrote many words; but none as elegant as that of any writer that I’ve read.
I’ve played many songs on my guitar beloved: And yet those songs were heard with pleasure but by me and it; and sometimes, I suppose it sighs and weeps that its owner will never use it to its full potential.
I have painted, I have drawn; what was in the mind and heart as powerful as tidal waves came out depicted as lowly, empty gusts of wind.
I have entered many contests - none of which I’ve ever won.And then, the more I looked around me, the more I realized the truth about myself.
I am not the best. I am not the wisest. I am not unique. I am not creative.
I have no one, and even my own self is turned against me.
Good readers, I confess - I am a failure as a man.
I have lost all moral values, and there is nothing I believe in any more.
I am fit to be nothing more than an observer. Perhaps that is to be my fate; but in my name, there will be no stories written; and I shall not likely write any myself.
Then, I am fit to be nothing more than nothingness itself.Funny thing, familiarity: I shall keep moving on, as I have never stopped.
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All Time Shannon
your confession really moved me, i know nothing about you.. but if you can write this you certainly are something…
now, maybe its just me, but i feel as though you have a gift. of course everyone does.
You are unique, for you are you and nobody else can be.
Nothing means something, therefore if you say to yourself you are nothing, you are ALWAYS something. (‘:my little words of wisdom there.
- Shannon,x
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raven
i spent a few hours on sat night talking to you. well if its not you, then its someone who has the exact same issues as you. and that is just so ironic. i haven’t been able to stop thinking about it.
the whole time you were sitting there telling me how much of a failure you are i felt like giving you a huge hug and talking you through that nonsense, to the other side, where you can see that there’s no such thing as a “perfect” person/existance. that you can be destined for great things and acheive great things and affect and inspire people without you even knowing it.
anyway, you’re probably not the same guy i spoke to on sat night, but, by the sounds you have the same feelings of inadequacy. and they’re probably 100% unfounded.
JUST LET YOURSELF BE. just be. forget about the ways in which you feel you don’t measure up… true success is letting all of that go.
And M___o if that is you, chin up buddy, you’re awesome and I can’t believe you don’t know it.
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misanthropic
Fortunate, he who has such friends.
People are never perfect; yet, at times, they achieve certain things, worthy of boasting about.
I’ve not boasted in a while.-
raven
so you can only acheive self-validation if you boast to/get praise from people??
there’s your problem. you need to please yourself and no one else. yeah recognition would be nice from time to time, but so long as you’re making yourself happy, that’s all that really matters. the sooner you realise this and believe it, the more organic and inspired your work will become.
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mouse
From what I can see , you wish to be brilliant at everything ,witch is just some thing that is impossible.
find your true passion , sick with it , and you will become the best you can be.
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LadyAdelaide
Do you ever wonder if what you say hurts me? Perhaps, if you decided to discard that “I could care less” mentality you’d realize that you have said some terrible things to me. You have targeted my weaknesses that I thought I could expose to you and you shove them laughingly in my face. It’s not funny. Even your friends are nicer than that. What if I just started joking about the things your father did to you? You wouldn’t laugh. You’d call me a bitch. Oh, yes you would. I would be one, and I would never do that do you.
And I know, that’s probably why you can’t see how hurtful you are. The whole psychological aspect behind what’s happened to you. And I feel terribly sorry, and I could never admit it but I can relate to you more than anyone about that. Anyway, we’re really two different people. I care about people, you don’t. I’m an altruist and you’re a hedonist. I’m sorry. But honestly, I’ve made the effort to understand you and have. I’d listen to you no matter what we’d talk about. It’s because I care and I love you.
I wonder why I do. There are so many fish in the sea and I decided on you for so long. I guess I liked what you were and you decided to not be that way anymore. And really, I’m afraid to change. I’m so used to you being my security blanket that I cannot imagine it any other way. Even if you repeatedly make me cry. I know you’re trying to push me away. I’m trying to push me away too.
I remember that night when I nearly broke my wrist. It was on ice, and I was sobbing about how much it hurt. You very openly admitted that I didn’t have to be alone, and that I needed someone there to help me through this. So I decided to pick you. I did. And for a while, it worked.
One night, just the usual oh-my-God-I’m-craving, you finally told me you “didn’t benefit from hearing about it.” I don’t blame you, and I know that you were kind of nice about it. And you told me that you didn’t love me. That there was no attraction there. I don’t care how nice you were about it. You were a man about it. I don’t even know why I’m complaining but no matter how pretty the knife is it still makes me bleed. I’m sorry.
I don’t know why I’m hanging on. There’s really no hope for us, and honestly I should have picked up on the point that there really never was any hope for us. I need to cut it off now. I even feel guilty trying to be friends.
And I doubt that I ever will cut it off completely. And I’m sorry about that too. And I’m sorry for apologizing too much. I know you hate that.
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pd0815
I don’t know why you’re hanging on either. to be with someone who only cares about themselves is horrible and will never change even if it seems to. you threaten to leave - oh i’ll change - you believe - then 2 months goes by and you’re back at square one. don’t let the attachment keep you unhappy. everyone deserves to be happy. even this person you’re talking about. if he cares less about you, he should be with someone who settles for less.
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thallie
Dear Starshine,
You’ve not called me in I can’t remember how long. Not even when Jimmy died — all you could do was text me with “I’m sorry”. It’s always IM with you now — skype for a few minutes once every few weeks, if I’m lucky. I remember when we used to count down the minutes until we could speak again. We’d talk every night for hours, until we both began to doze off on the phone. You’d hum me to sleep, a lullaby of your own invention, just for me, and I would call to wake you up the next morning. You always told me how much you loved having my voice as the first thing you heard in the morning. It was then that I knew I never wanted to be loved by anyone but you. Those days, those years, were so precious to me. I still hold onto them, a true thing that seems more like a fairy tale nowadays.
Now, it’s a fight to get you to talk to me. No matter what I do, you never want to — unless it benefits you somehow, like letting off steam when no one else will listen, or when you want me to do something for you, like editing your paper today. I think it’s the not talking to me that hurts more than anything else… You lied to me just now, I think. Even if you didn’t… The old you would have texted me if the internet cut out, to let me know, rather that letting me think you’d just gotten off, forgetting I existed — again.
I love you so, so much. Maybe I’m naive when I say this, but I don’t believe I could ever love anyone as much as I love you. I’d tear the universe apart, atom by atom, if it meant keeping you safe. I’d pull a star out of the sky for you just to see you smile, starshine. I don’t hesitate in saying that I’d die for you. I love you with every bit of my being. To use the words of Owl City — if my heart was a compass, you’d be North. And, honestly, I think you know that. I think you know that you will never find anyone who loves you half as much as I do. Maybe that’s why you’re doing this. You know I won’t leave, because I love you too damn much. It sucks. I wish I didn’t, sometimes.
I’m so unhappy. I was getting better, finally, with you finally acknowledging my existence for more than five minutes again. But between you choosing them over me, again, and my mother… I’m back at the bottom again and I don’t know if I even want to bother climbing up again. It’s not worth the struggle anymore. It’s not worth getting that taste of happiness, feeling the sun on my face, only to slide back down again and sit there, miserable and alone, in the dark. I’m so sick of it all. I’m so sick of feeling sad, and crying over you. And I’m even sicker of having to smile and pretend like I’m fine, for you and everyone else. Because if I say a word about how unhappy I am, you immediately freak out and start crying and make it about you, and all I can do is sit there and console you. I hate making you upset — even if you deserve it.
I miss talking to you.
In the end, I know all I will do is sit here and piss and moan to a bunch of people on the internet, because they’re the only ones in the entire stupid world that listen to me. Hell. Even they don’t care sometimes. I won’t break up with you. People will tell me to, after reading this. They’ll tell me that I’m going to keep getting hurt and blah, blah, blah. But, honestly? Having you hurt me is better than not having you at all. At least having you, I have your family, too. They love me. Keeping you, I have some hope of you loving me like you used to. And with you, I’m not alone with my mother.
So. Here I am, stuck. I don’t know what I’m expecting, really. A miracle, perhaps. For you to realize, “oh, fuck, I might actually be hurting her, oh, fuck, that’s bad.” For you to give a shit about someone other than yourself. You asked what I wanted for Christmas the other day. I want you. I want you back. You’re the one bright patch in the hideous montage that has been my life, and I want it back. Maybe that’s stupid, or selfish, or something. Maybe I’m needy. I don’t know. I don’t care.
I just want it all to end.
-Thallie
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ShastaKey
I just got out of a relationship that was kind of like this. I was hurt, I was used, I was taken for granted. I couldn’t talk about it, either, because it’d upset her and I’d have to console her. Just like you.
And it killed me. Every day, it killed me. Because, God, I loved her so much. Loved her with everything I was. I wanted to keep her forever.
I’m not going to tell you to break it off. I know it’s not going to work. If you do break it off, it’ll be because you’ve had enough, not because anyone told you so. Especially some nobody on the internet.
I’m going to tell you that you deserve better, that you shouldn’t be hurt like you are. Because that’s true. I’m also gonna do my best to keep listening to you. I’ve been where you are, and it’s just about the worst.
Stay strong. You’re worth it, even if nobody else seems to think so.
Godspeed, Thallie.
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AsKnownAs.
Thallie.
I always care. But it seems that what I told you was something you didn’t want to acknowledge because you care about this person so much.
Sorry if I upset you, it wasn’t my intention. I know you are speaking generally so I’m not targetting only myself.
Whatever decision you make in life, its what is meant to be, or at least meant to happen.
I hope this person comes to realise how their actions have hurt you.
And if they don’t, I hope they keep you happy anyway.
All the best, from the bottom of my heart Thallie,
Daniela.
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thallie
Sorry, Daniela. I wasn’t trying to attack you. I’m just very frustrated with him tonight. Everything is just sort of snowballing from stress and all that. Know that I always take what you say to heart, and I know that you care about me (: I’m sorry if it seemed like I was attacking you. You’re not the only person who has pointed out that a pattern is forming lately, and I’ve been considering my options (or non-options, really) and… bleh.
I mostly just needed to let it out, I think. And GroupHug just happens to be the best place to do that.
Internet hugs for you, Daniela. You are an amazing friend (:
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thallie
p.s. also posting here sometimes makes me angrier/braver and actually get off my ass and do something.
Like fuss at him.
Which is what I’m doing right now.
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ShastaKey
Power to you.
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thallie
I am Thallie. Hear me roar.
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florantine
One of the hardest things to accept is change. Relationships change—they have high points and low points. When we romanticize the high points when the high points were all in the past, this could be a problem. There is hope, as long as you keep enough of that in your pocket, you can get through what could potentially be a low point. Remember, though, hope is not sustenance. You can not survive an entire relationship on hope. You just have to gain the eyesight to spot the point that’s past too late. After hoping long enough with no positive change. You know, there is fighting, too. Some of us try to fight change through denial or ignoring it.
I’m not sure how much sense I’m making. I hope I am making sense.
Oh, your writing is beautiful. It’s on-key, you know— If you were a singer trying to find the right pitch and hit the right notes to express your love for Starshine and your dejection, too. Yeah, your writing hits all the right notes.
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Chemistry
I know I’m a little late with the response, but I do agree that the writing is beautiful and I feel like I can completely relate.
I miss when he used to talk to me because he wanted to; because he said he his day wasn’t complete without having at least one legit conversation with me. Now, it’s kind of like he just talks to me because he needs someone; he just feels lonely. Blaaah.
I think ShastaKey is absolutely right. You DO deserve better. Nobody deserves to be in such pain. But you will eventually become strong enough to realize that there is better out there for you, or the idiot boy will realize that he should treat you better.
I hope it’s the latter. Keep us updated ♥
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adamv2.0
Here’s what I don’t get. YOU introduced me to this girl. And now because you both have some huge falling out, everyone that knows her is under suspicion and their loyalty is in question? I’ve been a loyal friend to you since the beginning, and yet I’ve been on the chopping block more than once since we’ve met. What reason could you possibly have for suspecting me of conspiring anything behind anyone’s back? You want to get her out of your life? Stop mentioning her name ten times in a five minute conversation. You want to be mad at her? Fine, she deserves that. You want to dwell on it? Go for it. But you’re obsessing. When it gets to the point where you’re letting it affect your thoughts and actions; When you’re letting it pull you away from the people that have been there for you because suddenly ‘no one is trusted’, that isn’t her. It’s you.
So here’s my advice. Either kill her, fuck her and get it over with, or forget she ever existed and just move on with your life. You and me were kindred spirits as far as friendship went, and now your paranoia has finally gotten me to the point where I don’t want to be around you, answer your calls, or even read your e-mails. For fuck’s sake, step back from the situation and see that it isn’t her that’s ruining your life right now, it’s you. Pony up, see a shrink, or at least talk to SOME of us about what’s really bothering you. Because until you do, you’re free time is going to be pretty fucking lonely.
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noname
So I have this problem, a kind of normal problem I guess.
I’m still in love with my ex boyfriend.
We started dating August 20th and we were on and off for 9 months. I never gave him head, but I let him take my virginity. After he took my virginity he decided head was more important and left me for some other girl.
That was the first time I ever experienced a heart break.
He came back for me because he still “loved” me. After I took him back, he did it again. Except this time he went on a date with the girl while him and I were still dating, so I proceeded to dump him.
That was the second time I experienced a heart break.
We still talk, and sometimes we’re best friends. This summer we went to warped tour together and it was amazing. On the way home he told me that he still loved me and he chose the girl he’s with now only because I chose the guy I’m with now. That’s bullshit. Whenever we talk he says it’s my fault and if I didn’t dump him that day we’d still be together.
Oh how i wish i didn’t dump him.
Now several months since the last time we we’re together, i have a boyfriend. Don’t get me wrong, i am so so happy, and i do love my current boyfriend, but sometimes I get into these moods where all I want is my old boyfriend. I want things the way they we’re a year ago. He has a girlfriend and I have a boyfriend. I know that if i wanted to i could have sex with him. Although, that’s not what i want. My parents hate him, my friends hate him, my current boyfriend hates him and his girlfriend hates me. There is so much friction between us.
I’m just not sure how to feel.
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Dan-Yella
I’m in a slightly similar situation.
Except, we broke up after 9 months for fighting over the most irrelevant things that just weren’t important. The thing is, we still remain friends in the hopes of working things out.
That’s when it gets sticky. He doesn’t know what he wants it seems, because one minute he can be cold and distant and then the next, we’ll hug eachother, and everything feels just right.
Its so much easier to just fall into a pattern, rather than moving on. And although you have moved on it doesn’t seem like you’re over your ex. Maybe if you had some single, alone time, you might be able to clear your thoughts.
All the best.
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padyirishman
hiya wana chat
padyirishmanatyahoodotcodotuk
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pd0815 6:26 am on March 8, 2010 Permalink | Log in to Reply
Ok. this guy isn’t the one with the problem. you are. I know WoW players. I’m one myself. one relationship ended because of it but the answer is to find a girl who absolutely doesn’t mind it or plays it herself. First I found a girl ingame and we had a long distance thing going on. then I found a local girl that plays it and we play together. I’m really sick of people blaming the fucking game for their problems. Yea it can be consuming but so can relationships.