It’s been over a year now since my old life ended.
My kid sister had a mental breakdown of some kind, I was falsely accused of being a child molester, and I lost my home, and all of my friends and family. The little girl I adored more than anyone else, who I would do anything for, thought I was the worst person in the world. And I felt like it.
I’ve been living away on my own since then.
Last week, during Spring Break, it was her 13th birthday. I don’t know what the fuck I was thinking. Against my better judgment, I went home. A few long bus rides and walks later, I was there.
I caught her on her way out of the house. There was no doubt it was her, but she had grown. Jesus Christ, had she grown. She must have gained three or four inches since I saw her last. She had the figure of a woman. I could hardly recognize her as the little sister I used to give piggyback rides to.
As soon as she saw me, she froze. I have rehearsed a million things I want to say to her, but my mind went blank in that moment. Isn’t that always the case?
Something stupid and desperate overwhelmed me, and I actually hugged the frightened girl.
She just stood there and stiffly accepted it, like she didn’t know what to do. I don’t know how long we stood there, it felt so good to hug her again, even if she wouldn’t return it. I actually started crying. Not just crying, bawling. I hugged her tight and told her I was sorry, apologizing for god-knows-what I did to her. I am the lamest big brother in existence.
And then she asked me if I wanted to come inside.
My parents were both home and they were visibly shocked to see me. We all made awkward small talk for a short while. I let everyone know where I was and what I was doing. Even though they think their son is a fucking pervert, they worried about me. I let them know I was doing okay.
My sis didn’t say much of anything. I could feel how uncomfortable with my presence, so I left. On the way out, I think I heard her squeak out that it was good to see me. Maybe it was just wishful thinking.
I should have gotten her a present.
I think everything will be okay. I don’t know if I can ever go home, or if I even really want to anymore. She still needs some space. She still doesn’t trust me. But after the single hour I spent at home, I think it will all be okay.
Some day I’ll be able to prove to her that her brother isn’t a bad person. We’ll be best friends again some day. I really believe that.
Jasmine 11:07 am on May 8, 2010 Permalink | Log in to Reply
since i can’t edit my post and i forgot to add this on: i know you lurk grouphug sometimes, molly. don’t think about emailing me, don’t think about saying sorry. i’m over you.
lifelost 9:06 pm on May 8, 2010 Permalink | Log in to Reply
agreed. Drop them like a bad habit. get some people who will get your back. i dont know about other people and i dont presume to speak for them but i am the type of person who will have your back and if you needed it give my life to save my friends
quiteabitch 2:12 pm on May 8, 2010 Permalink | Log in to Reply
Those are the kind that are not worh it. The kind who youre only friends with just cause youre with them at school. One thing though, no offense, but are you selfish?
Jasmine 6:38 pm on May 27, 2010 Permalink | Log in to Reply
selfish can be judged in many ways. everything a human does is selfish - if you help someone, it’s to make yourself feel good. a selfish desire.