I’m bulimic. I feel like everywhere I go, people are staring at me, wondering how on earth a person could be so fat and feeling good that they aren’t as disgusting to look at as I am. I feel like food controls my life. I’m overweight but not obese; I wear an American size 12-14, which is about average. I have excellent blood pressure and I work out. But every time I see someone skinny on TV, I feel like a failure. You have to be skinny to be beautiful. You have to be beautiful to be loved. I don’t throw up because I want to be skinny; I throw up because it numbs the hurt knowing that I’ll never be good enough in anyone’s eyes for anything—friendship or relationship.
Tagged: Lonely RSS
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keilin
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SlowlyRising
It’s been 6 months since I first posted here. It’s been a hell of a year, but life has stabilized.
But I’ve got a new problem. It dawned on me that I’ll be all alone on my birthday this year. I’ve got no friends and my family mostly doesn’t want anything to do with me. I guess it’s been about a year since I’ve gotten a hug from my kid sister, or anyone for that matter.
I’m not sure when it happened, but I can barely interact with people anymore. I’ve always been a little on the shy side, but nothing like this. When someone else starts a conversation, I can spit out a couple of words at best, maybe, but I can’t bring myself to really get to know anyone. I don’t know why. Some connection has been severed.
But I dream about it. I see people and imagine myself taking to them. It’s even worse with the girls. I see a cute one and think about what a wonderful person she must be, and how happy I might be with her. There have been too many “what ifs” to count. I’ve never had much luck with women, I suppose, but it never really bothered me like this until now.
I’d love to be loved, but I can’t put myself out there. I just want someone to hold and hug and cuddle. I really miss feeling someone else’s warmth.
I’m in one of the most populated cities in the world, but I’ve never felt so lonely.
But I’m not enough an egotistical bastard to think I’m the only one who feels this way. There’s got to be
hundreds of people here like me, right? Maybe I’ll find them. Maybe we can be alone, together. Maybe you feel this way. Maybe it doesn’t matter, and it’s just a phase.I don’t know what to do with myself yet, but I CANNOT and WILL NOT stay this way.
Happy birthday, me.
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itsme1
I have tried being happy lately. I really do hate being down and I am normally an upbeat person. I am usually telling my wife to be more positive…The truth is, I hate my life. I feel like the last 14 years have been a waste. I messed up and put myself in a situation where I am living where I do not want to live. I have a job that I hate and can’t find another one. I feel like I am a failure as a father. There is nothing that I want more than a “Do Over” button.
I know that isn’t possible, but I can’t get my mind off of it. I just want to start over. Is there anyone else out there that is over $100,000 in debt and that does NOT include a house? Yup that would be me.
I am trapped and I feel like there is no way out. There is no light at the end of the tunnel. Life is just going to continue to suck until the day I die. Heck, the way things are going for me, the way I die will suck too. It will probably be some long drawn out and painful thing.
Hope…I want it. I want to believe that there is something better. That it will get better. If you knew me, you would never believe that I feel this way. I have gotten really good at acting positive and happy. I have even had people tell me that they wish they could be positive like me, that they look to me as an example of this. If they only knew the truth. Inside, I am a wreck.
I get up in the morning and dread going to work. At the end of the day, I dread going home. The only place I wish I could be is where I consider home.
I never get to go there…She finds a reason why we can’t go. Not that they aren’t legitate reasons…but she always finds them. I don’t think she does it on purpose, but she does it.
I want happiness.
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TheINTJ
I’m in love with a girl I met online a few months ago. She knows I’m in love with her. She’s three years older than I and treats me like a child because of it. It feels so degrading when she does. She asks me to do a lot for her and asks me to stop doing small things that bother her or remind her of others. I just put up with the things she does that bothers me. She’s beautiful.. far out of my league. I can talk to her about anything, but yet I barely talk to her about anything important; things I SHOULD be talking to her about. She still won’t tell me some things about herself as well. When I approach her about sensitive topics her reaction is to run away.. it is so bothersome. When I met her I wasn’t in tune with my emotions at all; in fact, as I am now, I may as well have been emotionless before. I am going through an emotional and mental roller-coaster than at points in time I so much regret allowing myself to get on to. I’m only going to be hurt in the long run.. I know this. It’s going to tear apart the pieces of me that I don’t get to first before the end of the line comes. Before I met her I only cried twice in my life. Add four times onto that in months. I was baffled how words could hurt people.. now I know how. She talks about her ex-boyfriends and people she used to have phone sex with, with me.. god, how I wish she didn’t. It is such an unpleasant experience.. and makes me feel all kinds of things. I’ve tried ending our “friendship” four times now. All times failed because she kept contact with me and I have feelings far too strong for her to just ignore her. We call it a friendship.. I’m not sure if either of us are convinced it is. She may be.. but, it sure as hell does not feel like one. We talk to each other about our days, talk for hours at a time, discuss sexual things (masturbation, things we think of, etc) and none of it is awkward at all. I have never been with a girl before. I always keep to myself in real life and I’m a loner to the extreme. I won’t approach people; they have to approach me. I just want someone to be there for me.. to hold me, to let me hold them.. to be there with me and show me attention. Things people have never done for me before. It’s such a simple request, but it feels as if it’ll never be fulfilled. I’m an extremely depressed person and often times suicidal. I made a promise to her that I wouldn’t do it for a while.. but.. will I be able to carry through with that? I’m not sure.. I find no reason to keep living if I feel so alone, unmotivated, careless, unloved.. and there is always a plus: I get to find out what happens after death. I’ve contemplated so many methods, and I’ve came close to doing quite a few. One day I think I will go through with it. I’m so fucking pathetic. I’ve held in my emotions for years.. they’re starting to try and push their way out now. At times I feel the extremes of anger, lust, depression, etc. It’s disturbing (not really to me; it seems normal) to go through a scenario of killing random people around me for no reason or psychologically fucking someone up for the fun of it, and then go on to sexual imagery in my head, and then feel extremely depressed all in one hour. I think something is wrong with me. These things don’t happen very often, but they certainly didn’t happen before. Now they come out every once in a while.. heh. I’m so lonely. I wish so badly that I could go through with suicide.. I truly do.
Adding on: I’m fifteen, she’s eighteen. Turning sixteen this year, she’s turning nineteen. I’m often times feel jealous when talking with her. She talks to a lot of guys and has made comments about how a lot of them have “feelings” for her. She keeps in contact with your ex-boyfriends, etc. I feel like I’m just a back-up plan for when the others aren’t there for her to talk with.. the things she tells me.. they feel so artificial. I have a hard time believing her. I give her all my time and attention when talking.. I’d be lucky if I get to talk with her and three others are talking with her as well. Then again, hey, what am I to say? I have no friends. Oh how I wish I could just drop our friendship and end this agony. I want to go back to how I was.. I didn’t feel these emotions and I just sat there in my own little, peaceful zone inside my head. Now I can’t get her out of my head. She says she values me as a friend and places me as third out of “tons of other people”. Third. -sigh- I wish so badly that I could just cry myself to sleep now and never wake up.. that I didn’t have class in a hour.. please.. let me go to sleep and don’t let me wake up.
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El_Scorcho
It’s been five months since I last kissed you. I feel so alone without you. Barely anyone likes me.
But you loved me, I see that now. If only I saw it at the time. I loved you, you’ve always known that. Whether you know I still do, I don’t know.
If I were to guess, I’d say you do. I can’t believe you don’t love me anymore though, or you do, and aren’t willing to have a relationship with me anymore. I just read the single status on Facebook, and I had that heavy ache in my heart instantly, like I had just been broken up with again. I know you know about my depression. Maybe you know it’s because of you that I want to tear out my wrists.
Maybe you know that it’s because of you that I can’t. This dilemma hurts so much. I love you, but I don’t want to hurt you.
I can’t love you any more than this. I never could and never will be able to love anyone more than this.
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loveless1
nevermind
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RandomGuy
I think I am attracted to All Time Shannon. I bet she’s cute and funny too. Don’t get all freaked out. I’m not the stalker type.
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algoogla
How could you say I’m too sensitive? All I asked for is basic consideration. And you couldn’t even give me that. So we’re over, and it hurts me, it hurts me like hell. I feel lonely, and I cry knowing we’ll never see each other, never even talk, again. I wish I could know you were feeling even a fraction of what I am. But I really have no idea. I trusted you, and you blithely betrayed that trust, without even really realizing what you were doing, I think. And the worst part is, I can’t even bring myself to hate you for it.
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Dmonix
im always torn between wanting companionship and saying fuck it, most of the human race is idiotic anyway. but alas, this feeling of loneliness doesnt want to go away. my dad (r.i.p) was a bit of a drinker, and i know i shouldnt, but i would kill for a case of beer. i mean, at least they would keep me company..
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Slave_Girlie
I don’t know, I feel very lonely quite often. I do have a boyfriend and when I’m with him I feel okay, enless we argue, but when I’m alone I feel very depressed and alone. One very pleasant thing that I do to cheer me up is masturbation. I know that isn’t a realistic way to fix my problems, but it does make me feel much better. Anyway, I feel as though the things I’ve been maturbating to are getting increasingly dirty. So at first it would be I like to have rough sex, now it’s being tied up, then with a gag too, then hit and called demeaning names and being thrown into a cage if I’ve been naughty. I’m typically turned on by BDSM, but now it’s like I’m indulging my kinky side and enjoying dirtier things. I’m not sure if this is just a phase I’m going through, or if it’s just who I am. I’m wondering if this will get worse because already sometimes I get so horny I have to go to the bathroom at school. Right now, I think when I’m older I’d love to have a dom/sub relationship. I’m not really sure about this.
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ms9595
I have been cheating for months. On and off, nothing serious. Never the same person twice, except for one. But I don’t see that one anymore. I start feeling like shit, then HE treats me like shit and I don’t care anymore for the rest of the day. Then we go to sleep at night and I realize that I am going straight to hell. Do not pass go, do not collect $200. Fuck purgatory, I’m sure I’ll be catching the express elevator down.
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live_rose
If you like that married woman more than me, which it seems you do. Then Dump me! Don’t wait till after the holidays don’t string me along dropping bits of affection my way here and there just dump me. My confession is I can’t dump you
1. Because you’ve been the best boyfriend I’ve ever had and I do love you ( though it’s getting hard to not pull back and stop all together)
2. As a girl with GA and SA I doubt I’ll be able to get another man
3. I don’t have the backbone to do it -
Girl
I just really want to talk to her, tell her everything. But I’m too much of a wuss to get the ball rolling. What if I bore her? Or she doesn’t want to talk?
I over think things too much.
The goal is that during the winter break off from college I’ll have a nice talk with her before classes start up again near the end of January.
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noleftturns
I wish someone would surprise me with something nice. Just once.
I feel like I’m always trying to please people, and I never get the same in return.
Take me to lunch, stop by my place for a visit unannounced, show an honest interest in me for once, I don’t care.I just want proof you guys love me back.
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fmlylife.
i think im gonna stop coming here. its useless for me now. i honestly just dont care about anything. my future, my past, my current, anything. i feel useuless, abused, mistreated, not appreciated, un loved, a complete fuck up. thats all i am, and all i will ever be, untell the day i die. even if i turn out great, and make a whole bunch of money and do everything right, it wont be enough for ou, you you will find the things bad in my life, things that arnt even there. so ill help you, ill just cut strait tothe bad stuff. ill start with some cutting, then some beer n weed and failed assignments and classes. maybe then you can tell me im a fuck up, and it will be true.
hope you realise one day that every time i crymyself to sleep, which is every night, its over worry for you
that i play video games because i cant sleep ever because im worried about if your okay,
i hope that you look back on all the times that you said i never cared, and that im stupid and i suck at everything, that you never loved me, that you never will, that i cant do anything right, ive never been right and that i never will, and i hope it tears your heart out. i hope you say “damn, he was so perfect for me and to me, and i threw it away”. because im done trying to be your knight in shining armor. if im not good enough for you, atleast tell me so i dont rip my heart out for you. -
thallie
I talked to him last night. Really talked to him for the first time in a couple of weeks. I told him how lonely I’ve been, and what sorts of therapy my shrink has been doing. He asked to see, so I showed him a few of the sketches from my diary. I wish I’d just smiled and pretended I was fine when he asked. I feel like I pushed him even farther away. I’m damned if I do and damned if I don’t.
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thallie
I miss him so, so, so, so incredibly, mind numbingly, heart achingly much. All I want is a call a night. Ten minutes. But that’s too much to ask for. I’m so lonely, but what else can I do? It’s even worse, because I know that he’s with her when he’s not talking to me. I know he’s not cheating, but I still feel like he’s choosing her over me.
I wish that I didn’t love him half as much as I do.
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thallie
I work so hard to be perfect. I try so hard to be charming, and pretty, and fun, and strong, and clever, all in the hopes that I can get someone, anyone, to love me enough to want to keep me.
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thallie
I hate that I am so fragile right now. One night of not talking to me was all it took to send me right back to the bottom of the hill, all over again. It’s easier to put on a happy face again now, but is that really better than crying on the sofa when I felt bad?
I put on makeup this morning for the first time in nearly a week. It’s easier to pretend I’m fine when I cover up the dark circles of another sleepless night and brighten up my eyes with a little eyeshadow and mascara. I wonder what I’m doing wrong. I wonder why I’m not beautiful to you anymore.
Days like this just make me want to curl up into myself and never come back out.
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hakking
I texted her that morning to say I needed to speak to her. I resolved to tell her my feelings this morning - after 2 years of doubting the sincerity of my feelings I finally came to realise that they were true. Many mornings I wake up and wish she was by my side, that I could kiss her on her round cheek before I go to bed, that I can share my jubilation and sorrow alike with her.
today we met in some off road near a hospital - she was going back home and turned back around when I called her. She insisted that I tell her what I wanted to speak to her about when I texted her earlier today. I asked if i could sit in the front seat of her car and talk. I told her I deeply admire her and have done so for the past 2 years. I asked her if the feeling was mutual. She said that it was not. I apologized if I upset her and left.
I wanted to look back but I could not bring myself to do so.
Even now my own sorrow doesn’t seem to trouble me compared to the guilt or load on her mind I may have placed on her. i just want her be to happy, with whoever and wherever she is.
pd0815 6:45 am on March 25, 2010 Permalink | Log in to Reply
12-14 is perfect. I really don’t know how TV or advertising can literally effect people’s feelings about themselves. We’re designing our cd cover and it’s going to have a dead girl on it. I hope it doesn’t project that we encourage death in girls. because it doesn’t. we love girls .. live ones… with warm skin and . … i’ll stop